…and this is when we start reviewing the return policy

There is no polite way to put this: you’ve started to crap your pants again.

After at least 6 months of absolutely, positively no accidents, one day you sat eating dinner and just… peed. There was a puddle of pee under your chair and you didn’t really give a damn. It was like an alien came in and removed that part of your brain. The part the tells us no self-respecting person eats while sitting in their own piss.

And you have fully committed to this regression, I’ll give you that. Last night, you actually pooped in the tub. That’s takes dedication.

Initially, we started putting your toys in Toy Jail. But then it seemed you may actually piss yourself and then just come over and hand us your toy to lock away because you could have really cared less. We’re now trying positive reinforcement with a “Dry Pants Sticker Chart” and promises of a new Humpty Dumpty. We have yet to see if this will work, since we have yet to have one “Dry Pants” day.

So, I’m perplexed. I can’t make you go to the bathroom any more than I can make you go to sleep. However, I am about to make you do your own laundry.

Niblet

Today Daddy was drawing shapes on your back with his finger. You were guessing the shapes and then Daddy asked you which shape had three sides. Your answer? A threeagon.

Clever.

Embracing Humpty

It’s a well-known – but not well-documented – fact that you have an obsession with Humpty Dumpty. It’s been going on for about a year now, and for various reasons we’ve been reluctant to fully accept this character. Since it’s been a year, which is really about a quarter of your life, we realize it’s not going away.

I suppose one of the reasons we’ve decided to embrace Humpty is also one of the reasons we fear Humpty: it’s so random and… unique. When I talk of your obsession, the reaction I get from most people is immediate laughter. And my immediate reaction is to defend you. But then I also find myself wanting to change your obsession into something more mainstream. Something that people (myself included) can easily understand, like Spongebob or Superman… just so no one laughs at you. However, it’s also so novel and innocent and pure that you have found the one thing to love that no one else understands. And that’s a quality about you that I don’t want to change or make mainstream. I LOVE that when you get a new Humpty character, you can’t wait to bring it to school to show your friends. We open the classroom door and you burst in with “Look, it’s Humpty!” Or that you want to show kids at the playground your Humpty and talk about the pictures of him you have at home. You’re usually greeted with a blank-faced stare and you just simply don’t understand why no one shares your enthusiasm.

Your world right now revolves around Humpty. You wake and one of the first questions is if you can print out a Humpty today. You’re allowed to visit Google images once a day to select a Humpty, print it out and carry the paper with you all day. If we didn’t limit you, you’d spend the entire day, and at least one ream of paper, printing Humptys. And, the photos of Humpty Dumpty WITH a top hat SITTING on a wall are the most valuable. Humpty with a top hat is a demigod (and also your Halloween costume).

You also love “playing leaves” which entails finding every fallen leaf, preferably dry, and pretending it is a fallen egg ultimately getting crushed into a fine dust. Again, there are limits to this play, as you have been known to travel to an actual playground, only to sit in the shade “playing leaves.” There are wonderful things in this world, my love, called slides and swings and children.

Lastly is the dreaded Humpty video. The thing that started it all… there are, surprisingly, hundreds of videos of this famous four-line story on YouTube. And you’ve seen them all. In fact, a lot of them seem to be produced in India, which has caused you to pick up a slight Ghandi-like accent when pronouncing wall and fall. Granted the videos are typically only a minute or so long (again, it’s four lines…), you’re only allowed 2 because these videos seem to really spark your… imagination (obsession).

Probably one of the more interesting parts of this obsession is the details of such a seemingly simple character. The images we print from Google are in black and white, however, you know what color pants, shirt, hat, nose he has. And sometimes you spread out your print outs and sort them by the hatted and non-hatted, red pants/blue pants, bow ties and sans bow tie. Even the leaves have their own characteristics: cracked, spotted, green, brown, you name it. The videos are the worst. You just simply can’t tear away, begging to know what color shoes the next video will have? Will his yolk spill out when he falls? Will be have a hat? Hair? Bow tie? Pants? And you can talk non-stop about all of these little details, expecting that we were paying attention to the same details and could add something to the conversation.

So, honestly, this is our world. A world of playing Humpty, singing Humpty and a constant “Mom, watch this,” to see yet another object fall from another ledge. And, I’ll be honest, after an hour of listening to the Humpty Dumpty story over and over and over, I want to drive tacks into my temples. But, I’ll also be honest in saying I Embrace Humpty Dumpty. He’s what makes you stand out, makes your imagination grow all on it’s own, without having to tune into a television for the next episode. It’s all in your head, episode after episode. Granted, they all pretty much have the same ending, but they rarely have the same pants.

Latest Stats

We returned from your 4-year check-up today. You’re a healthy, vibrant little boy… as always, tall and thin.

Height: 40.25″

Weight: 31.5 lbs.

This puts you in the 50th percentile for height, and a mere 12% for weight.

Seriously, your mom’s genes will rub off on you one day!

Niblet

Last night when your dad was putting you to bed, you came out into the hall to “do something” (stall). You walked toward the end of the hall where it was dark and came immediately back. I was sitting I the family room and you looked down and said:

“You know what, Mom? You know what? When I was down that hall and it was dark, I was afraid I was going to happen upon a ghost.”

Niblet

Following are a couple of niblets that took place between you and Nicole today:

Asher: “Today when I wake up from nap, my favorite color is going to be black because I’m really tired of thinking about different colors.”

_______

 

Nicolle: “You’re so cool, Asher.”

Asher: “Yeah, I know. So, if you can’t do something, you should just ask me and I’ll probably be able to show you how.”

Niblet

This morning we were cuddling in bed before we started our day. You asked, “Mommy, when I turn 5, will I grow bigger?” I said you would and would grow every year until you were an adult. You then leaned back on me and said, “I don’t want to grow anymore, Mommy. I want to be your little boy forever.”

Sweeter words have never been spoken.

Milestone Avenue: Where Memories Go to Die

Okay, so I’m just going to put this out there, I’m not the best at writing about the milestones in your life. This blog has missed quite a bit: your first days of school,  Alyssa leaving us as your nanny, your new nanny, Sara, you turn 3… you know, just a few little things.

Just recently, you’ve had some significant events occur:

• Your first vacation without us (and ours without you);
• You turned 4;
• You stopped crapping your pants;
• Sara is leaving us;
• You’re going to start napping one day a week at school (gulp).

Oh, there’s more… I’ll come up with them and document them. But, what I’ve realized is that your big milestones are really difficult for me. When I think about writing about them, I realize I’m just signing up for a good hour or so of sobbing. And, really, who has time for that crap? However, I also know that I will want to punch myself in the face when you’re 10 or 15 or 30 when I can’t remember the details of these events.

So, everyone, buy some stock in Kleenex, Mom’s documenting Milestones… eventually.

Toy Jail

We have instituted a new form of discipline around our house. It’s called Toy Jail. Bad behavior gets a toy put into jail. Good behavior is the bail bondsmen of the house. To be honest, we instituted this policy to get bedtime back into control. Bedtime had turned into a circus of books, cuddles, kisses goodnight and then a series of calls to Mommy or Daddy with various stalling techniques… potty, bad dreams (even though you haven’t slept), to tell us you missed us, glasses of water, the list goes on and on.

The first night, five toys went into toy jail. And since toy jail is a clear plastic tub we’ve placed in the middle of the room, come morning, there was no forgetting those toys were untouchable. The great news is that the first morning, you volunteered some good behavior – cleaning up one of your toy bins -  to get your music player our of jail.

It’s worked wonders. It only took a couple of nights and no toys were put in jail. Until tonight…

Tonight, you went to bed, but weren’t happy that I was leaving. Soon after I shut the door, with a strict Toy Jail warning, you started calling for me. I opened the door and realized you had no good reason to call. You had no reason to call. You started stammering:

“You know what, Mommy?”

“What Asher.”

“I have something to tell you.” (Climbing out of bed…)

“Okay, you know what? The cowboy hat goes into jail. Good night.”

“No, Mommy, no!”

And it’s here that your Fight or Flight response kicked in. You started to quickly and literally think on your feet. Taking large steps in a circle around your bedroom, you announced:

“Mommy, I’ve got a big problem.”

(pacing, pacing, pregnant pause, pacing )

“You know what? I just remembered I needed to give you another hug and kiss.”

Um, wait… was that Fight, Flight or Con?

Niblet

This afternoon you gave me The World’s Smallest piece of Pay-Doh with the directions to make a top hat with it.

Me: “Do you have some more? I don’t know if I can make a top hat with this.”

You: “Mommy, I know that you might have a hard time doing it.  But, it’s okay. I really believe that you can do that.”

Thanks, Kid. Your faith in me means a lot…